Mental Health Awareness Week: ‘My acceptable number’
“When people hear the condition “OCD” being talked about, obsessive compulsive disorder for those who are not familiar, they often think of someone who is afraid of germs and washes their hands over and over, or who is very tidy and likes things set out in a particular order, or who has to turn light switches on and off in a certain sequence. These can indeed be the visible symptoms of OCD but not for me.
“My OCD was triggered around 12 years ago when my relationship broke down and I had to move house. My internal feelings of vulnerability and anxiety manifested themselves externally in the compulsion to check that my front door was locked when I went out. At its worst, it was taking me up to 40 attempts to leave for work in the morning; that was around twenty minutes of rattling my front door to check it didn’t open, edging away, going back and checking again, edging away again, a little further this time, then going back again, over and over, until the anxiety would eventually ease sufficiently for me to walk away and keep going. At the weekends, I didn’t bother going out at all, the process of fighting and winning this battle was too exhausting and it rarely seemed worth it. I didn’t feel like I deserved to enjoy anything anyway.
“I went through this daily battle with my own mind for six years before finally going to my GP and being diagnosed with, and gaining treatment for, anxiety and OCD. I should’ve gone sooner. I allowed my OCD to own me for far too long and I regret that. However, my OCD and I rub along quite well together now! Having moved house again — I needed to break free from the emotional triggers and associations that I had with my former home — we have now reached an amicable compromise: I have what I call “my acceptable number”. So, for example, I now check my front door four times when leaving and then I can walk away and not so much as glance back. I have a few other rituals (compulsions) that I have to appease, but they no longer limit me from living my life. Daily medication and CBT (Cognitive Behavioural Therapy) help me to stay on top of my compulsive behaviours and to challenge the negative thoughts that also often accompany OCD, “I’m not good enough to have this”, “things always go wrong for me”, “if I’m involved it’s bound to end badly”, etc.
“Thoughts of self-doubt can become more pronounced at times of stress and pressure, but I am now equipped to recognise and stop them, rather than believing them. I know that if I’m having to exceed ‘my acceptable number’ of door checks, then my anxiety level is rising, and I need to take steps to reduce it. So, in a way, my OCD looks after me now by acting as an early warning system.
“If you have anxiety and aren’t accessing support, please speak to someone you trust about it. There are also some fantastic resources available online — specifically for staff through our employee assistance provider, TP Health, our Mental Health Staff Network and our Mental Health First Aiders. You can also access national support including talking therapies and online CBT.
“As for me and my OCD, ‘four’ will continue to be my magic number!”
Alex Gates, Social Media & Digital Content Lead
We are committed to supporting our employee’s mental health, and offer support to all our staff. Discover more about our health and wellbeing offer: https://bit.ly/41wEmq3
